dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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