I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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