this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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