connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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