Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
