K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
