I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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