I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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