I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
