im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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