'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
