stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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