Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
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