it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
