I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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