I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
