I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
