Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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