did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I looked at my own cervix.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
