he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Randomize
