You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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