ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Of course I have a pirate flag
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
