Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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