Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize