girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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