Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
