Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
