Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
