There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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