Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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