His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Randomize
