I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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