that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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