I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
