I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
