You made me cry and you don't even care
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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