Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
