Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
