Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
