I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
