i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
