I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
