I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
No stitches, just platelets and will power
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
