new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
