I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Randomize
