I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
