Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
