Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
