I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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