cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
