So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
