im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
