Define "chronic" masturbator.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
