State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
