Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
