They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize