Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
