Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
