i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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